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Sunday, 19 April 2009
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King Bowser: Pure Badass
An arrogant, egotistical dragon-turtle with spikes on his back, Bowser hates Italians so much that his sole purpose in life is to steal their women. Whether this makes him an extreme badass, or extreme cockblocking asshole, Bowser is feared throughout Koopa Kingdom for his beastly fire breath, throwing hammers that never land, and his deadly lava sharts.
Bowser grew up in Brooklyn, NY, as the only dragon-turtle in his family with red hair. Tired of being called a ginger by the local guidos, Bowser was the first to prophesize the Guido Apocalypse when he was only eight years old. When nobody listened, he got into his go-kart and made a road trip to every Sbarro in New York City, pooping in the pizza dough and teabagging the cooks with his special green tea variety. That very same go-kart would make him a tough competitor later on in his career.
Now you know what that taste is.
At the very last Sbarro on his road trip, Bowser encountered a fat mustached plumber and his lanky life-partner. The two were working in the bathroom when Bowser approached the window and made a snail-trail by dragging his scrotum across the glass. The plumber, Mario, having just eaten pasta with fire flower sauce, hurled a fireball that launched Bowser into the side of a taxi cab. Just as the Italians summoned a green pipe from the ground, Bowser saw a beautiful blonde princess emerge from the ladies restroom. He needed to tap that.
Shown above with such a boner that he only has enough blood to open one eye.
And so began Bowsers attempt to blue-ball the Italians, winding through a period of experimentation with other male dragon-turtles (Mario Tennis, Mario Party), being crowned as King by a bunch of walking mushrooms and turtles that can't avoid cliffs (Super Mario Bros), and eventually resulting in him being the father of eight Koopa-lings, each of whom was given their own airship (Mario 3). After becoming a father, Bowser put aside his everlasting need to pound the princess and decided to make a TV show that could teach others how to take care of eight adorable children. He took the form of a female dragon-turtle named Kate and his show can be seen 75 times a day on the TLC Channel.
Now that you know his history, does this qualify Bowser as a badass? Got any suggestions for future Badass Chronicles?
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How To End An Argument With Your Lady
It's the fourth time that your girlfriend caught you watching pr0n on your iPhone during dinner with her parents. Trying to turn the phone off, you accidentally turn the volume on, leaving Mom and Dad with the symphony of four midgets pounding away on a busty blonde while another climbs up her back like a beanstalk.You tell your girlfriend that it's just Lord of the Rings, but she kicks you in the shin and takes away your dessert plate, shoveling her face with chocolate cheesecake.
With the chocolate approach gone, you need a new strategy to diffuse the fight ahead:
1) The Underground Mongoose
Aside from the power to embarrass you in sweatpants, your penis has the power of instant diplomacy. When sitting down to talk, put your leg up on the couch and let your shorts slip back, revealing your mongoose peeking out from his cave. Assume a retardedly dead-eyed Nicolas Cage stare and if she keeps talking, shake your hips and wiggle it a little. Eventually, confusion will set in and you'll have the opportunity to remind her that you're never gonna give her up and never gonna let her down. As soon as she hears that you're never gonna make her cry, she'll be humping your leg like an AXE commercial.
2) Safety in Numbers
Fights are much like sex; women love when other women are involved. If the fight happens in public, find another attractive woman in proximity, and begin arguing with her as well. When you have both of them yelling at you, go completely silent; it's only a matter of time before they start fighting each other. If the fight between them goes sour and doesn't go topless, step up and protect your girlfriend against the crazy bitch that can't mind her own business. After your lady thanks you for being her big, bad protector, tell her that you forgive her for starting the fight in the first place.
3) Include John and Kate
If man knew how to digitally encode a vagina and send it through television waves, it would look less vaginal than John and Kate Plus 8. Much like red cloth to a bull, turning on this show will distract your girlfriend with another man being verbally abused into emasculated submission by his wife before going to work for her father to save up college tuition for eight kids. Be sure to comment on how cute all of the children are while they watch Daddy's life force whither away with the comfort of a taint-punch. The challenge here is to keep any comparisons between Kate and famous German leaders during the 1930's to yourself.
Do you have a more effective way of settling an argument?
Friday, 03 April 2009
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How To Get A Date On Craigslist
Legal prostitution, or Craigslist, can be a very successful entry to dating if you know the proper technique of writing a personals ad. The competition against other horny dudes can be vicious, but I can show you the way to stand out as the Prince Charming of horny basement-dwellers.
Recently, my friend asked my brother and I to help him write a personals ad that would attract a nice, kind female companion for him. Minus the part where he asked us.
What we came up with is a textbook example of how to get a date on Craigslist.
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Notice to all human females:
My name is Wesley and I am currently finishing my studies at Buff University. With a cumulative GPA of 3.9, and all the honor societies I am in, it’s hard for me to really put myself out there. I double major in Buffchemistry and Cellular Buffology, hoping to one day find the cure for human weakness (or any other disease that will benefit my fellow man). Every day, I like to unwind by working out at the gym. Although I am no Brad Pitt from Fight Club, I can whole-heartedly say that my body is a wonderland.
An entire land of wonder.
When not improving myself physically and mentally, I make an effort to donate my time at the children’s hospital. We spend our time doing puzzles, solving crosswords, and making sure that they stay mentally fit. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. And in order to lead, they need a good leader like me.
As you may have guessed, I am a devout Catholic and I attend church every Sunday (I haven’t missed since I was 5, oh man!). Luckily, I never have any sins to atone for. Back when I lived in California, I ran for Calabasas Treasurer, hoping to usher more Catholic ideals into the political system. I lost horribly.
At home, I am the father of a black Scottish Terrier named Lady. I treat her like a princess. She has her own home in my room, which I painted pink and purple, and every Friday night we like to have dinner together (her favorite is filet mignon but I try not to spoil her LOL!). She is my best friend, my only black friend, and I love her with all my heart. If she ever left me, my heart would be broken.
Back to the ladies, I am looking for a white female who likes to read, listen to jazz, and discuss the major literary themes of Dostoevsky. I am not a drinker and my companion shouldn’t be either. I know my dream lady is out there, in the back of some library, waiting for Prince Wesley to save her. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice, gentle, female soul to settle-down with.
Some intercourse wouldn’t hurt either.****
Do you think the ladies will dig this ad? If you had write a personal ad, what would you include?
Wednesday, 01 April 2009
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5 Foods That Will Test Your Manliness
When Bear Grylls eats rotting Zebra meat before drinking his own pee, we understand that a) it’s because he’s showing us survival and b) the dude has massive balls.
When Joe Rogan tells you to eat a Madagascar Cockroach, you do it because a) you want the money and b) your wife will divorce you if you don’t get the money.
But on this lovely planet of ours, there are people who willfully eat such items without any reward beyond satisfying their hunger.
1) Casu Marzu (Sardinia)
Sardinia must be the sister city of Narnia, because only in a fictional land would people eat this crap. Instead of enjoying fresh cheese like humans do, Sardinians let their cheese rot to the point of intense maggot infestation. A creamy texture develops from the maggots eating the cheese and then shitting it back out (Sardinians report this to be the best tasting part of the cheese). Diners have to cover the cheese with one hand or wear goggles to prevent the maggots from jumping into their eyes. When’s the last time you had to worry about your food blinding you? Never, because you’re a pussy. Furthermore, Sardinians are only grossed out by the dish when the maggots die, which is kinda like only being grossed out by "2 Girls 1 Cup" because the romance wasn’t fully developed. I’m pretty sure Sardinia is a planet in Star Wars or something, so you’ll probably never have to worry about eating this.
2) Blowfish (Japan)
If you didn’t already know, the Japanese like to kick sanity square in the balls as often as possible. In Japan, eating fugu (blowfish) is an art form in the way that Russian Roullette is just another gamble. Entirely illegal in Europe and only found in a small group of restaurants in America, blowfish, if not prepared by a specially licensed chef, can contain traces of tetrodotoxin. The blowfish liver, which can contain enough tetrodotoxin to kill you at least ten times, is one of the most coveted meals in the ninth circle known as Japan. Instead of blinding you like Casu Marzu, eating blowfish can straight up destroy your ass, paralyzing you while you're still conscious of your throat closing and your lungs deflating, and left to think about how retarded you are to get killed by a dead fish. And yet, about 300 people a year die of it because there is no cure. No cure. For your dinner. So, the next time you complain about having to cure your Taco Bell with some Ex-lax, try some blowfish, bitch.
3) Ghost Pepper (India)
Sounding like a badass anime movie, the Ghost Pepper is rated as the spiciest chili in the world by Guinness World Records. When Indian farmers are asked how the Ghost Pepper tastes, they say that "eating it is like dying," which would fool you to believe that it's not that much different than a meal at the Olive Garden. But the Scoville measurement system, which rates the spice factor of peppers, gives the Ghost Pepper a value of 1 million Scoville units. That's twice the rating of the 2nd hottest pepper and about 200 times hotter than the hottest tobasco sauce. In northeast India, the Ghost Pepper is smeared on fences as makeshift barbwire and used in smoke bombs against wild elephants. Eating the tiniest amount will make your eyes water and your nose run, while eating an entire pepper turns your asshole into a flamethrower. If you're curious what it feels like to shit lava, Ghost Pepper can provide the answer.
4) Snake/Scorpion Soup (Hong Kong/Thailand)
Chicken soup for the soul? Fuck that sissy crap. When people in Hong Kong get sick, they maul a bunch of snakes and pulverize them into soup. I'd imagine the scene looks like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with the colorful hippos replaced by snakes that are trying to eat your face. Scorpion soup, on the other hand, resembles a bunch of dead scorpions thrown in a used bedpan, ready to test your manliness, your stomach, and your mouth's resistance to getting stabbed as you chew. Diners who enjoy both soups report that it tastes kinda like chicken, but then again so did that Hungry Man frozen dinner I ate last night, so I have been fooled before. And while I generally consider soup to be one of the least manly foods (unless eaten through a beer helmet), I must commend the Hong Kong and Thai people for giving it a much needed injection of balls.
5) The McGangBang and Porkgasm (America)
I just threw up all over my keyboard. The McGangBang, not to be confused with a Friday night at Ronald McDonalds house, is a McChicken sandwich inside a Double Cheeseburger. The Porkgasm is bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted, garnished with chili ears and tail. That's like seven times the amount of meat as a normal pork. Also, that's what she said. Both dishes prove that even though other countries can create dinners that can kill them, we can create dinners that make no goddamned sense at all.
Have you eaten any of these foods? If you haven't, what would it take for you to try any of these foods?
Thursday, 26 March 2009
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The Top 5 First Date Locations
Your sister’s friend is over and you decide that tonight is the night.After they talk about celebrities, get their celebrity news on E!, gossip over celebrity magazines, and watch the new Grey’s Anatomy and argue whether McDreamy or McSteamy is more hung, your sister finally leaves the room to get some ice cream.
You, having just got out of the shower, walk over to your sister's friend, drop your towel, look down and ask:
“So, what are we going to do about this?”
Her speechlessness gives you the opportunity to follow up with a perfect first date offer from one of the following:
1) Visiting Grandma
Just because there are negative connotations about being a “momma’s boy,” doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Grandma telling your date to “eat your carrots, hussy” on the first date. Notorious for their excellent cuisine and sensual aromas, elderly homes present the ideal situation to learn more about your date and even more about Grandma’s gas problems. When the topic turns to Grandpa’s sexual appetite after returning home from the war, you know your date will be in heat momentarily.
2) Victoria’s Secret
Girls just wanna’ have fun, and nothing is more fun to them than a trip to Victoria’s Secret to watch other girls try on lingerie. If your date has the idea to try some on herself, remind her that it would be fair if she paid for it since you paid for the gas to get to Grandma’s. While sitting stealthily in the dressing rooms, be sure to comment on other women and what they’re trying on so that your date knows what you like and what you think she should buy for the steamy night ahead of her.
3) The Taxidermy Shop
Whether it’s dancing penguins or hamsters on pianos (eating popcorn), ladies love animals. When your date mentions her dog that recently passed, tell her that you have a surprise for her at the taxidermist. If your date is unsure what to say when she sees Mr. Snuggles with his vacant stare, remind her that he’s dead and can’t shit on the kitchen floor anymore. If she doesn’t love it, or, dare I say, is weirded out, you can use him as a sweet hood ornament on your truck. It’s really a win-win for everyone, especially Mr. Snuggles.
4) White Castle
Women are often worried about seeming too needy if they order something expensive on the menu. Couple this with the universal rule that any dinner over three dollars requires her to put out, and you have yourself a winner with White Castle. If you have nothing to talk about while dining on the highest quality burgers this side of Brooklyn, bring up that crazy time that you came there with your friends, Harold and Kumar. West Coasters can utilize Del Taco, while everyone else can use Sonic, wherever the hell those are.
5) Sperm Bank
Combining your love for your p*nis with her love for spontaneity, the sperm bank is such an obvious choice that many men overlook it. The ladies like to know that there will be kids in the future, so when the nurse gives you the small sample cup to fill, pull out your 24 oz. beer mug and tell her you’ll be back in an hour. Less clichéd than playing sports in front of her, going to the sperm bank allows you to show off your real athletic performance, along with providing clues as to why your bed comforter looks like a marshmallow exploded on it.
What's your best first date idea?
goldenj2384
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- Name: justin
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 2/24/2009
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I'm a writer, I'm a guitarist, I'm a boyfriend, a brother, and a son. That order changes daily. I play guitar and write lyrics for Escape the Skyline and now I'm a writer for Mancouch.
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