Wednesday, 01 April 2009

• 5 Foods That Will Test Your Manliness

  
  

  
  

  When Bear Grylls eats rotting Zebra meat before drinking his own pee, we understand that a) it’s because he’s showing us survival and b) the dude has massive balls.

  When Joe Rogan tells you to eat a Madagascar Cockroach, you do it because a) you want the money and b) your wife will divorce you if you don’t get the money.

  But on this lovely planet of ours, there are people who willfully eat such items without any reward beyond satisfying their hunger. 
  

  1) Casu Marzu (Sardinia)
  

   
  

  Sardinia must be the sister city of Narnia, because only in a fictional land would people eat this crap.  Instead of enjoying fresh cheese like humans do, Sardinians let their cheese rot to the point of intense maggot infestation.  A creamy texture develops from the maggots eating the cheese and then shitting it back out (Sardinians report this to be the best tasting part of the cheese).  Diners have to cover the cheese with one hand or wear goggles to prevent the maggots from jumping into their eyes. When’s the last time you had to worry about your food blinding you? Never, because you’re a pussy.  Furthermore, Sardinians are only grossed out by the dish when the maggots die, which is kinda like only being grossed out by "2 Girls 1 Cup" because the romance wasn’t fully developed.   I’m pretty sure Sardinia is a planet in Star Wars or something, so you’ll probably never have to worry about eating this. 
  

  2) Blowfish (Japan)
  

  
  

  If you didn’t already know, the Japanese like to kick sanity square in the balls as often as possible. In Japan, eating fugu (blowfish) is an art form in the way that Russian Roullette is just another gamble.  Entirely illegal in Europe and only found in a small group of restaurants in America, blowfish, if not prepared by a specially licensed chef, can contain traces of tetrodotoxin.  The blowfish liver, which can contain enough tetrodotoxin to kill you at least ten times, is one of the most coveted meals in the ninth circle known as Japan.  Instead of blinding you like Casu Marzu, eating blowfish can straight up destroy your ass, paralyzing you while you're still conscious of your throat closing and your lungs deflating, and left to think about how retarded you are to get killed by a dead fish.  And yet, about 300 people a year die of it because there is no cure.  No cure.  For your dinner.  So, the next time you complain about having to cure your Taco Bell with some Ex-lax, try some blowfish, bitch.     
  

  3) Ghost Pepper (India)
  

  
  

  Sounding like a badass anime movie, the Ghost Pepper is rated as the spiciest chili in the world by Guinness World Records.  When Indian farmers are asked how the Ghost Pepper tastes, they say that "eating it is like dying," which would fool you to believe that it's not that much different than a meal at the Olive Garden.  But the Scoville measurement system, which rates the spice factor of peppers, gives the Ghost Pepper a value of 1 million Scoville units.  That's twice the rating of the 2nd hottest pepper and about 200 times hotter than the hottest tobasco sauce. In northeast India, the Ghost Pepper is smeared on fences as makeshift barbwire and used in smoke bombs against wild elephants.  Eating the tiniest amount will make your eyes water and your nose run, while eating an entire pepper turns your asshole into a flamethrower.  If you're curious what it feels like to shit lava, Ghost Pepper can provide the answer. 

  4) Snake/Scorpion Soup (Hong Kong/Thailand)

  

   
  

  Chicken soup for the soul? Fuck that sissy crap. When people in Hong Kong get sick, they maul a bunch of snakes and pulverize them into soup.  I'd imagine the scene looks like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with the colorful hippos replaced by snakes that are trying to eat your face.  Scorpion soup, on the other hand, resembles a bunch of dead scorpions thrown in a used bedpan, ready to test your manliness, your stomach, and your mouth's resistance to getting stabbed as you chew.  Diners who enjoy both soups report that it tastes kinda like chicken, but then again so did that Hungry Man frozen dinner I ate last night, so I have been fooled before.  And while I generally consider soup to be one of the least manly foods (unless eaten through a beer helmet), I must commend the Hong Kong and Thai people for giving it a much needed injection of balls.

  5) The McGangBang and Porkgasm (America)
  

  
  

  

  I just threw up all over my keyboard.  The McGangBang, not to be confused with a Friday night at Ronald McDonalds house, is a McChicken sandwich inside a Double Cheeseburger.  The Porkgasm is bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted, garnished with chili ears and tail.  That's like seven times the amount of meat as a normal pork.  Also, that's what she said.  Both dishes prove that even though other countries can create dinners that can kill them, we can create dinners that make no goddamned sense at all. 
  

   Have you eaten any of these foods? If you haven't, what would it take for you to try any of these foods?

  • 1:51 PM
  • 410 Views
  • 6 eProps
  • 3 Comments