Friday, 03 April 2009

• How To Get A Date On Craigslist

  Legal prostitution, or Craigslist, can be a very successful entry to dating if you know the proper technique of writing a personals ad.  The competition against other horny dudes can be vicious, but I can show you the way to stand out as the Prince Charming of horny basement-dwellers.   

  Recently, my friend asked my brother and I to help him write a personals ad that would attract a nice, kind female companion for him.  Minus the part where he asked us. 

  What we came up with is a textbook example of how to get a date on Craigslist.    

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  Notice to all human females:

  My name is Wesley and I am currently finishing my studies at Buff University. With a cumulative GPA of 3.9, and all the honor societies I am in, it’s hard for me to really put myself out there. I double major in Buffchemistry and Cellular Buffology, hoping to one day find the cure for human weakness (or any other disease that will benefit my fellow man). Every day, I like to unwind by working out at the gym. Although I am no Brad Pitt from Fight Club, I can whole-heartedly say that my body is a wonderland.
  
  An entire land of wonder.
  

  
  

  When not improving myself physically and mentally, I make an effort to donate my time at the children’s hospital. We spend our time doing puzzles, solving crosswords, and making sure that they stay mentally fit. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. And in order to lead, they need a good leader like me.

  
  

  As you may have guessed, I am a devout Catholic and I attend church every Sunday (I haven’t missed since I was 5, oh man!). Luckily, I never have any sins to atone for. Back when I lived in California, I ran for Calabasas Treasurer, hoping to usher more Catholic ideals into the political system. I lost horribly.

  
  

  At home, I am the father of a black Scottish Terrier named Lady. I treat her like a princess. She has her own home in my room, which I painted pink and purple, and every Friday night we like to have dinner together (her favorite is filet mignon but I try not to spoil her LOL!). She is my best friend, my only black friend, and I love her with all my heart.  If she ever left me, my heart would be broken.
  

      
  

  

  Back to the ladies, I am looking for a white female who likes to read, listen to jazz, and discuss the major literary themes of Dostoevsky. I am not a drinker and my companion shouldn’t be either. I know my dream lady is out there, in the back of some library, waiting for Prince Wesley to save her. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice, gentle, female soul to settle-down with.
  
  Some intercourse wouldn’t hurt either.

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  Do you think the ladies will dig this ad? If you had write a personal ad, what would you include?

  • 5:26 PM
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