Sunday, 19 April 2009

• King Bowser: Pure Badass

  
  

  An arrogant, egotistical dragon-turtle with spikes on his back, Bowser hates Italians so much that his sole purpose in life is to steal their women.  Whether this makes him an extreme badass, or extreme cockblocking asshole, Bowser is feared throughout Koopa Kingdom for his beastly fire breath, throwing hammers that never land, and his deadly lava sharts. 

  Bowser grew up in Brooklyn, NY, as the only dragon-turtle in his family with red hair.  Tired of being called a ginger by the local guidos, Bowser was the first to prophesize the Guido Apocalypse when he was only eight years old.  When nobody listened, he got into his go-kart and made a road trip to every Sbarro in New York City, pooping in the pizza dough and teabagging the cooks with his special green tea variety.  That very same go-kart would make him a tough competitor later on in his career.

   
  

  Now you know what that taste is.
  

  At the very last Sbarro on his road trip, Bowser encountered a fat mustached plumber and his lanky life-partner.  The two were working in the bathroom when Bowser approached the window and made a snail-trail by dragging his scrotum across the glass.  The plumber, Mario, having just eaten pasta with fire flower sauce, hurled a fireball that launched Bowser into the side of a taxi cab. Just as the Italians summoned a green pipe from the ground, Bowser saw a beautiful blonde princess emerge from the ladies restroom. He needed to tap that.

    
  

  Shown above with such a boner that he only has enough blood to open one eye.

  And so began Bowsers attempt to blue-ball the Italians, winding through a period of experimentation with other male dragon-turtles (Mario Tennis, Mario Party), being crowned as King by a bunch of walking mushrooms and turtles that can't avoid cliffs (Super Mario Bros), and eventually resulting in him being the father of eight Koopa-lings, each of whom was given their own airship (Mario 3).  After becoming a father, Bowser put aside his everlasting need to pound the princess and decided to make a TV show that could teach others how to take care of eight adorable children.  He took the form of a female dragon-turtle named Kate and his show can be seen 75 times a day on the TLC Channel. 
  

  Now that you know his history, does this qualify Bowser as a badass? Got any suggestions for future Badass Chronicles?

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