goldenj2384's Mancouch

King Bowser: Pure Badass

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:00:31 GMT

An arrogant, egotistical dragon-turtle with spikes on his back, Bowser hates Italians so much that his sole purpose in life is to steal their women. Whether this makes him an extreme badass, or extreme cockblocking asshole, Bowser is feared throughout Koopa Kingdom for his beastly fire breath, throwing hammers that never land, and his deadly lava sharts.

Bowser grew up in Brooklyn, NY, as the only dragon-turtle in his family with red hair. Tired of being called a ginger by the local guidos, Bowser was the first to prophesize the Guido Apocalypse when he was only eight years old. When nobody listened, he got into his go-kart and made a road trip to every Sbarro in New York City, pooping in the pizza dough and teabagging the cooks with his special green tea variety. That very same go-kart would make him a tough competitor later on in his career.

Now you know what that taste is.

At the very last Sbarro on his road trip, Bowser encountered a fat mustached plumber and his lanky life-partner. The two were working in the bathroom when Bowser approached the window and made a snail-trail by dragging his scrotum across the glass. The plumber, Mario, having just eaten pasta with fire flower sauce, hurled a fireball that launched Bowser into the side of a taxi cab. Just as the Italians summoned a green pipe from the ground, Bowser saw a beautiful blonde princess emerge from the ladies restroom. He needed to tap that.

Shown above with such a boner that he only has enough blood to open one eye.

And so began Bowsers attempt to blue-ball the Italians, winding through a period of experimentation with other male dragon-turtles (Mario Tennis, Mario Party), being crowned as King by a bunch of walking mushrooms and turtles that can't avoid cliffs (Super Mario Bros), and eventually resulting in him being the father of eight Koopa-lings, each of whom was given their own airship (Mario 3). After becoming a father, Bowser put aside his everlasting need to pound the princess and decided to make a TV show that could teach others how to take care of eight adorable children. He took the form of a female dragon-turtle named Kate and his show can be seen 75 times a day on the TLC Channel.

Now that you know his history, does this qualify Bowser as a badass? Got any suggestions for future Badass Chronicles?

How To End An Argument With Your Lady

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 19:59:08 GMT

It's the fourth time that your girlfriend caught you watching pr0n on your iPhone during dinner with her parents. Trying to turn the phone off, you accidentally turn the volume on, leaving Mom and Dad with the symphony of four midgets pounding away on a busty blonde while another climbs up her back like a beanstalk.

You tell your girlfriend that it's just Lord of the Rings, but she kicks you in the shin and takes away your dessert plate, shoveling her face with chocolate cheesecake.

With the chocolate approach gone, you need a new strategy to diffuse the fight ahead:

1) The Underground Mongoose

Aside from the power to embarrass you in sweatpants, your penis has the power of instant diplomacy. When sitting down to talk, put your leg up on the couch and let your shorts slip back, revealing your mongoose peeking out from his cave. Assume a retardedly dead-eyed Nicolas Cage stare and if she keeps talking, shake your hips and wiggle it a little. Eventually, confusion will set in and you'll have the opportunity to remind her that you're never gonna give her up and never gonna let her down. As soon as she hears that you're never gonna make her cry, she'll be humping your leg like an AXE commercial.

2) Safety in Numbers

Fights are much like sex; women love when other women are involved. If the fight happens in public, find another attractive woman in proximity, and begin arguing with her as well. When you have both of them yelling at you, go completely silent; it's only a matter of time before they start fighting each other. If the fight between them goes sour and doesn't go topless, step up and protect your girlfriend against the crazy bitch that can't mind her own business. After your lady thanks you for being her big, bad protector, tell her that you forgive her for starting the fight in the first place.

3) Include John and Kate

If man knew how to digitally encode a vagina and send it through television waves, it would look less vaginal than John and Kate Plus 8. Much like red cloth to a bull, turning on this show will distract your girlfriend with another man being verbally abused into emasculated submission by his wife before going to work for her father to save up college tuition for eight kids. Be sure to comment on how cute all of the children are while they watch Daddy's life force whither away with the comfort of a taint-punch. The challenge here is to keep any comparisons between Kate and famous German leaders during the 1930's to yourself.

Do you have a more effective way of settling an argument?

How To Get A Date On Craigslist

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:26:34 GMT

Legal prostitution, or Craigslist, can be a very successful entry to dating if you know the proper technique of writing a personals ad. The competition against other horny dudes can be vicious, but I can show you the way to stand out as the Prince Charming of horny basement-dwellers.

Recently, my friend asked my brother and I to help him write a personals ad that would attract a nice, kind female companion for him. Minus the part where he asked us.

What we came up with is a textbook example of how to get a date on Craigslist.

****

Notice to all human females:

My name is Wesley and I am currently finishing my studies at Buff University. With a cumulative GPA of 3.9, and all the honor societies I am in, it’s hard for me to really put myself out there. I double major in Buffchemistry and Cellular Buffology, hoping to one day find the cure for human weakness (or any other disease that will benefit my fellow man). Every day, I like to unwind by working out at the gym. Although I am no Brad Pitt from Fight Club, I can whole-heartedly say that my body is a wonderland.

An entire land of wonder.

When not improving myself physically and mentally, I make an effort to donate my time at the children’s hospital. We spend our time doing puzzles, solving crosswords, and making sure that they stay mentally fit. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. And in order to lead, they need a good leader like me.

As you may have guessed, I am a devout Catholic and I attend church every Sunday (I haven’t missed since I was 5, oh man!). Luckily, I never have any sins to atone for. Back when I lived in California, I ran for Calabasas Treasurer, hoping to usher more Catholic ideals into the political system. I lost horribly.

At home, I am the father of a black Scottish Terrier named Lady. I treat her like a princess. She has her own home in my room, which I painted pink and purple, and every Friday night we like to have dinner together (her favorite is filet mignon but I try not to spoil her LOL!). She is my best friend, my only black friend, and I love her with all my heart. If she ever left me, my heart would be broken.

Back to the ladies, I am looking for a white female who likes to read, listen to jazz, and discuss the major literary themes of Dostoevsky. I am not a drinker and my companion shouldn’t be either. I know my dream lady is out there, in the back of some library, waiting for Prince Wesley to save her. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice, gentle, female soul to settle-down with.

Some intercourse wouldn’t hurt either.

****

Do you think the ladies will dig this ad? If you had write a personal ad, what would you include?

5 Foods That Will Test Your Manliness

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:51:04 GMT

When Bear Grylls eats rotting Zebra meat before drinking his own pee, we understand that a) it’s because he’s showing us survival and b) the dude has massive balls.

When Joe Rogan tells you to eat a Madagascar Cockroach, you do it because a) you want the money and b) your wife will divorce you if you don’t get the money.

But on this lovely planet of ours, there are people who willfully eat such items without any reward beyond satisfying their hunger.

1) Casu Marzu (Sardinia)

Sardinia must be the sister city of Narnia, because only in a fictional land would people eat this crap. Instead of enjoying fresh cheese like humans do, Sardinians let their cheese rot to the point of intense maggot infestation. A creamy texture develops from the maggots eating the cheese and then shitting it back out (Sardinians report this to be the best tasting part of the cheese). Diners have to cover the cheese with one hand or wear goggles to prevent the maggots from jumping into their eyes. When’s the last time you had to worry about your food blinding you? Never, because you’re a pussy. Furthermore, Sardinians are only grossed out by the dish when the maggots die, which is kinda like only being grossed out by "2 Girls 1 Cup" because the romance wasn’t fully developed. I’m pretty sure Sardinia is a planet in Star Wars or something, so you’ll probably never have to worry about eating this.

2) Blowfish (Japan)

If you didn’t already know, the Japanese like to kick sanity square in the balls as often as possible. In Japan, eating fugu (blowfish) is an art form in the way that Russian Roullette is just another gamble. Entirely illegal in Europe and only found in a small group of restaurants in America, blowfish, if not prepared by a specially licensed chef, can contain traces of tetrodotoxin. The blowfish liver, which can contain enough tetrodotoxin to kill you at least ten times, is one of the most coveted meals in the ninth circle known as Japan. Instead of blinding you like Casu Marzu, eating blowfish can straight up destroy your ass, paralyzing you while you're still conscious of your throat closing and your lungs deflating, and left to think about how retarded you are to get killed by a dead fish. And yet, about 300 people a year die of it because there is no cure. No cure. For your dinner. So, the next time you complain about having to cure your Taco Bell with some Ex-lax, try some blowfish, bitch.

3) Ghost Pepper (India)

Sounding like a badass anime movie, the Ghost Pepper is rated as the spiciest chili in the world by Guinness World Records. When Indian farmers are asked how the Ghost Pepper tastes, they say that "eating it is like dying," which would fool you to believe that it's not that much different than a meal at the Olive Garden. But the Scoville measurement system, which rates the spice factor of peppers, gives the Ghost Pepper a value of 1 million Scoville units. That's twice the rating of the 2nd hottest pepper and about 200 times hotter than the hottest tobasco sauce. In northeast India, the Ghost Pepper is smeared on fences as makeshift barbwire and used in smoke bombs against wild elephants. Eating the tiniest amount will make your eyes water and your nose run, while eating an entire pepper turns your asshole into a flamethrower. If you're curious what it feels like to shit lava, Ghost Pepper can provide the answer.

4) Snake/Scorpion Soup (Hong Kong/Thailand)

Chicken soup for the soul? Fuck that sissy crap. When people in Hong Kong get sick, they maul a bunch of snakes and pulverize them into soup. I'd imagine the scene looks like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with the colorful hippos replaced by snakes that are trying to eat your face. Scorpion soup, on the other hand, resembles a bunch of dead scorpions thrown in a used bedpan, ready to test your manliness, your stomach, and your mouth's resistance to getting stabbed as you chew. Diners who enjoy both soups report that it tastes kinda like chicken, but then again so did that Hungry Man frozen dinner I ate last night, so I have been fooled before. And while I generally consider soup to be one of the least manly foods (unless eaten through a beer helmet), I must commend the Hong Kong and Thai people for giving it a much needed injection of balls.

5) The McGangBang and Porkgasm (America)

I just threw up all over my keyboard. The McGangBang, not to be confused with a Friday night at Ronald McDonalds house, is a McChicken sandwich inside a Double Cheeseburger. The Porkgasm is bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted, garnished with chili ears and tail. That's like seven times the amount of meat as a normal pork. Also, that's what she said. Both dishes prove that even though other countries can create dinners that can kill them, we can create dinners that make no goddamned sense at all.

Have you eaten any of these foods? If you haven't, what would it take for you to try any of these foods?

The Top 5 First Date Locations

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:27:28 GMT

Your sister’s friend is over and you decide that tonight is the night.

After they talk about celebrities, get their celebrity news on E!, gossip over celebrity magazines, and watch the new Grey’s Anatomy and argue whether McDreamy or McSteamy is more hung, your sister finally leaves the room to get some ice cream.

You, having just got out of the shower, walk over to your sister's friend, drop your towel, look down and ask:

“So, what are we going to do about this?”

Her speechlessness gives you the opportunity to follow up with a perfect first date offer from one of the following:

1) Visiting Grandma

Just because there are negative connotations about being a “momma’s boy,” doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Grandma telling your date to “eat your carrots, hussy” on the first date. Notorious for their excellent cuisine and sensual aromas, elderly homes present the ideal situation to learn more about your date and even more about Grandma’s gas problems. When the topic turns to Grandpa’s sexual appetite after returning home from the war, you know your date will be in heat momentarily.

2) Victoria’s Secret

Girls just wanna’ have fun, and nothing is more fun to them than a trip to Victoria’s Secret to watch other girls try on lingerie. If your date has the idea to try some on herself, remind her that it would be fair if she paid for it since you paid for the gas to get to Grandma’s. While sitting stealthily in the dressing rooms, be sure to comment on other women and what they’re trying on so that your date knows what you like and what you think she should buy for the steamy night ahead of her.

3) The Taxidermy Shop

Whether it’s dancing penguins or hamsters on pianos (eating popcorn), ladies love animals. When your date mentions her dog that recently passed, tell her that you have a surprise for her at the taxidermist. If your date is unsure what to say when she sees Mr. Snuggles with his vacant stare, remind her that he’s dead and can’t shit on the kitchen floor anymore. If she doesn’t love it, or, dare I say, is weirded out, you can use him as a sweet hood ornament on your truck. It’s really a win-win for everyone, especially Mr. Snuggles.

4) White Castle

Women are often worried about seeming too needy if they order something expensive on the menu. Couple this with the universal rule that any dinner over three dollars requires her to put out, and you have yourself a winner with White Castle. If you have nothing to talk about while dining on the highest quality burgers this side of Brooklyn, bring up that crazy time that you came there with your friends, Harold and Kumar. West Coasters can utilize Del Taco, while everyone else can use Sonic, wherever the hell those are.

5) Sperm Bank

Combining your love for your p*nis with her love for spontaneity, the sperm bank is such an obvious choice that many men overlook it. The ladies like to know that there will be kids in the future, so when the nurse gives you the small sample cup to fill, pull out your 24 oz. beer mug and tell her you’ll be back in an hour. Less clichéd than playing sports in front of her, going to the sperm bank allows you to show off your real athletic performance, along with providing clues as to why your bed comforter looks like a marshmallow exploded on it.

What's your best first date idea?

The 5 Biggest Dudes of the Animal Kingdom

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:26:23 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a dude named Noah. He built a massive boat, invited a bunch of animals over, and trapped them inside the smelliest voyage known to man.

One day at sea, he woke up to a donkey teabagging him and a squirrel scribing the image on papyrus, probably because squirrels are lame and can’t use digital cameras.

It was then and there, on that very day, that the first dudes of the animal kingdom were born.

1) Lion – I started out with the biggest animal dude because he reviewed the checklist for dudery and decided to ante up in every area. To make up for Disney emasculating him, the male lion orders the females to hunt while he stays home to play Xbox.

When that becomes boring, he does some MILF hunting, killing any cubs that don’t like him messing with their mom twenty to forty times a day. When the wife gets home from hunting, he tells her to make dinner while he naps off his hard day.

2) Hippo – Fat, smelly, and probably still playing Everquest, the male hippo is never the first choice when a female wants to hump something. To save himself from a blue ball explosion, the male hippo does the most logical form of mating ritual; he shits and pisses himself. As the ladies watch from afar, he spins his tail, rocketing shit-missiles everywhere. Not much different than a human male at a bar, he just wants to get the ladies shit-faced.

3) Snakes – Aside from obviously looking like a squiggly p*nis, the snake is one of the world’s oldest assholes. A long time ago, he caused a big hullabaloo for Adam and probably screwed Eve afterward out of spite. Today, in the aftermath of a snake bite, these pricks slither their way behind a bush to watch one man pee on another man’s leg just to have a good story to tell at the party that night.

4) Blue Whale – One of the biggest bastards on the planet, the blue whale shoots out 400 gallons of sperm every time he watches some sea-pr0n. To put that in perspective, that’s the equivalent of a liquefied planet of sploog to the power of atomic seminal blitzkrieg. When interviewed about why he lets out so much, the blue whale simply replied “skeet skeet, bitches,” and then sperm-glued the interviewer to a coral reef.

5) Rat – The sex-starved guidos of nature, these dudes wake up each day and ponder whose v*gina they’re going to wear as a helmet. Having no standards and no pickup lines, male rats have been known to mate with females until their jackhammer tires her to death. Even then, they keep pounding away. Conversely, the Antechinus Stuartii species of rat will bone until he dies, fulfilling his dignified destiny of animal dudery.

Are you as much of a dude as these animals?

The Guido Apocalypse

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:52:10 GMT

The Future:

The year is 2055.

Man has won the war against the machines, decimated the zombie population, and enacted hippie genocide for good measure.

The war in Iraq is almost over. The Simpsons is still on TV.

Although we’ve had decades to recover from the stupidity of 2012 Apocalypse hysteria, a new threat of dumbasses is just around the corner. No one sees it coming.

A man brings his family to a shopping mall somewhere in Idaho to buy whatever people buy in Idaho. Probably potatoes or something.

As the family crosses the Food Court and leaves behind the smell of fresh burgers and fries, they are swallowed by a cloud of cologne. Little Timmy runs into an Armani Express, the very source of the cologne cloud. The doors close behind him.

“I’ll be grinding on bitches all night,” says a voice from within the store.

"Yo, this shirt is stylin’, bitches be all up on me,” says another.

“Jessica, cover your ears,” says the father. He huddles around his wife and daughter, looking into the cloud, but seeing nothing. “Where’s my son?” he screams, banging on the doors.

“Chill out, pops, Timmy’s got potential. Yo, Jessica, what up baby?” says a voice.

“What is this place?” pleads the father. “All we wanted was some potatoes!”

“Potato deez nuts!” says a voice.

Suddenly the doors of the store burst open and white light floods out from within the store. Little Timmy walks out wearing a pink collared shirt and faded jeans, his hair is spiked and he has a blunt in his mouth.

“But, he’s only six years old!” pleads the father, turning around to find that his wife and daughter are half-naked and singing Journey songs with a mob of guidos.

The Virus:

Guido – no longer centric to Italians, this new phenomenon of dipshits, often from New York or New Jersey, wear shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned five buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining. He spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to "hit the clubs" long into his mid to late 30's. He is often attracted to the female version of himself; the Guidette.

The Means of Prevention:

Despite originating in the Tri-State area, guido migrations have brought the infection as far west as Arizona, where one has been spotted trying to hook up with a cactus. Autopsy reports confirm that he succeeded.

In order to save humanity from this kind of retarded future, we must act swiftly.

The first logical means of resistance is to stop guido breeding at the source.

We’ve all seen Starship Troopers, so we know how these things work:

-There is a Brain Guido.

-Yes, you read correctly, a Brain Guido.

-He’s the one that knows how to read.

If you’re in a bookstore and you see gelled spikes coming from the top of a magazine rack, do not be alarmed; guidos are entirely illiterate and can only understand pictures (if there are boobs in them). The easiest way to counter this common guido would be to use knowledge or creativity. Reciting Shakespeare is usually the most effective repellent, though Dr. Suess works equally well.

However, if you’re in a generic college business class and you spot one holding a textbook, and there’s no pr0n between the pages, you may have encountered the Brain Guido. Immediately introduce yourself to him and mention your very hot, very single female friend, without mentioning her herpes.

The second means of prevention would be to nuke Plum Island. Long thought to be the birthplace of bioterror viruses, Plum Island is actually the world’s first guido farm. Mad scientists there culture Petri dishes of Axe body spray, Chanel earrings, growth hormones, and a total absence of learning in order to further guido evolution. When the specimen has grown enough to say “I’m from Lawng Ayeland, brah, you got any weed?” he is then released upon a world where he will work at H&M and quote Scarface until he dies from a coke overdose at nine in the morning.

A third form of resistance would be to avoid the females who breed with the guido species. Commonly known as a guidette, these are easily recognizable by their Easy-Mac complexion, a BMW from daddy, designer clothes from mommy, and an outspoken contempt for work from both parents.

When the guidette meets the guido for the first time, they engage in a mating ritual that is unlike anything else in nature. The following is footage of that ritual.

Both camera-men became dumbasses by sheer proximity to the event.

The Present:

The year is 2009.

Man has won the war against economic prosperity, made enough movies about zombies to move on and ruin vampires as well, and given hippies free reign to make everything "green."

The war in Iraq is almost over. The Simpsons is still on TV.

Although we've had a decade to recover from the stupidity of Y2K hysteria, a new threat of dumbasses is ordering Jager Bombs on their first night at the club.

And no one sees it coming but you.

Have you ever encountered the guido species? What was your experience like? Tell us about it.

Watchmen = WTF?

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:45:43 GMT

Like any macho dude on this site, watching 300 gives me wood. It's not so much the fact that I'm watching a bunch of sweaty buff dudes, but because the movie causes me to do 800 pushups, slaughter a couple thousand ancient Persians, and have sex in slow motion afterwards.

300 is like that time you went to the bar and you saw that really hot girl by herself in the corner. After talking awhile, she told you she was bisexual and that she brought six friends who have been saving themelves for the perfect Mancouch reader. You crammed all the ladies into your shaggin' wagon, drove home, and ruined every surface in your apartment.

Watchmen is the next morning when you woke up next to a half-dozen trannys and an eviction notice.

1) Coherence Is Cool.

Since there's an average of fifty three plot lines happening at once in this movie, Snyder decided to just let shit happen and assume that everyone has memorized the comics.

The basic plot goes like this:

There's this guy called the Comedian.

He's assassinated by someone who thinks he looks too much like Robert Downey Jr. Then, a bunch of shit happens. Then, there's a blue tiger with antlers, some pyramids, Mars, and an actor made to look like Nixon through the prosthetics of Playdough. Some more shit happens, and seven hours later, the movie ends in a auditory gangbang of crappy pop songs. I'm not saying this movie is long, just that I had a son when I walked out.

Speaking of, there's an "I'm your father" plot twist in there; because originality is entirely overrated.

2) Too Much Manbutt, Too Much Blue Dong.

I know the ladies have been clamoring for more male nudity on the big screen.

Personally, I prefer a boobie to dong ratio of 100:0, but Zack Snyder decided that certain shots of Dr. Manhattan called for the realistic dangling of electric-blue junk. I want people to understand that there is a person on this planet who had the job of creating animations that would realistically reflect the physics of a penis. It also looked, if I were actually looking, that this animator forgot to give him testicles; so, Dr. Manhattan is effectively driving a blue Lamborghini with no engine to power it.

Other important scenes, such as two characters randomly boning on a spaceship after dumping a barrel of water on a burning building, has an inordinate amount of manbutt. While this isn't entirely unexpected from the person that gave every man in 300 a ten pack, it was a little jarring since there's only like five bare breasts in the whole movie.

On a sidenote - why does Dr. Manhattan, who can destroy worlds using only his mind, need to look like he ate a GNC store and had a ten year session at the gym?

3) Not Enough Rorschach.

For me, this character was the movie. His voice is super deep - kinda like how Cristian Bale does that guttural Batman thing - only not atrocious.

When he took his mask off and looked like Danny Bonaduce, I got a little worried, but twenty minutes later, he flushed a midget down a toilet and was redeemed.

Meet Rorschach on the street and he might throw a dog at you and give you a makeover by means pickaxe; he is that upper level of badass.

In the end, I could have used less of the panzy with the winged helmet and erectile problems, or the blonde tool who was good, then bad, then douchey, then good, and seen more of Rorschach destroying everything like a modern day Hannibal.

Have you ever gone to see a movie and wondered what the heck was going on? Did you see Watchmen?

Criss Angel Ruined It For Magicians

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:41:13 GMT

Despite what anyone says, magic kicks ass. Magicians don't. One man ruined it for everybody.

I was at the movies last weekend and I caught a glimpse of the Criss Angel movie that's coming out this summer. It's not on YouTube yet, so let me try and describe what I saw.

The trailer starts out with that voice over dude that has that low voice only dogs can hear:

"In a world... A world better than all other worlds... Criss Angel is your god."

The audience is then told that Criss' show gains so much success that he decides to build his own city, calling it Criss Angeles. Here, in The City of [Criss] Angels, no one is allowed to practice magic but Criss.

All citizens must contain no more than five teeth and possess at least three tattered NASCAR jackets.

The next scene is a town meeting where Criss decides to rename himself Jesus Criss.

"But what about your followers, my lord?" asks one of the citizens. "We need order in such turbulent times!"

Criss smiles at the man and announces that he will build a statue modeled after this best, most loyal fan.

"My followers," Criss begins, "Behind this curtain, is the man who stands above many as my inspiration for this statue. He has supported me for years, and will no doubt support the livelihood of this city. Prayers be to me."

"Prayers be to Criss." The citizens reply.

The magician then reaches behind him to pull back the curtain, revealing his biggest fan, the man that will be immortalized in statue. There is a low rumble in the crowd, a calm cull of anticipation.

The curtain falls and Criss Angel walks out.

The next scene shows his fans embracing the statue Criss sculpts of himself:

While watching this trailer, I got a feeling in my stomach and it wasn't the cheese toquitos I just had.

I pulled out the psychology textbook I keep under my bed for fun reading, and found that according to Freud, Criss Angel is The Chosen One, the man born with no Id or Superego.

And then it hit me. CRISS ANGEL LOVES CRISS ANGEL. This realization rattled my very foundation of thinking.

Up until this point, between the way Criss talks about how he became famous, the celebrities he knows, his attempts at music through sucking Godsmack's balls, his jacket but no shirt so we can see his six pack, the way he chooses to perform 98% of his acts on women, and this pose he does --

I always pinned him as a man of modesty.

All in all, Criss Angel will eventually learn to do something extremely cool like teleportation. Let's just pray to Christ, I mean Criss, that he teleports somewhere nice. Like Fallujah.

Do you think Criss Angel has ruined magic?

The Best 5 Things to Say After Sex

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:51:12 GMT

You took her shopping, you met her parents, you heard all her secrets, you made up some of your own to tell her, and now after the second date, you finally got to have sex.

While your natural inclination afterward is to grunt and fall sleep, hers is to ask for five minutes of cuddling, so it’s absolutely essential that you are prepared for at least twenty minutes of conversation.

These lines will get you started

1) “Wait til’ my Warcraft guild hears about how I pwned you.”

If you didn’t know that women love World of Warcraft, then you sir, know nothing of this life. Most ladies would choose a sensual romp with a level 65 Paladin over that pale dude with the floating hair in Twilight, ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. Just don’t mention your in-game wife because that might make her jealous.

2) “Oh, I thought you meant the soldiers in Iraq should pull out.”

If you want twenty minutes of conversation from one sentence, this is the line to drop. You must quickly bring up babies and how cute they are with the folds in their arms and their marshmallow hands. If you don’t, she may actually hear what you said, and attempt homicide. Either way, you opened the floodgates for conversation.

3) “What is your stance on the economic globalization of international capitalism?”

The ladies love men that spark intellectual conversations, and there’s no better time to do this than when you’re dong is out. The question will show her that you care about what’s happening in the world and may make her think about an answer, giving you the perfect opportunity to grunt and fall asleep.

4) “So, you should probably tell people that you’re eighteen now.”

We all know age is just a number and that your lady is far more mature than the rest of her homeroom class. But we also know that now would be the time to prepare for the business end of her dads hunting rifle. Reassure her that you just made her a woman and that she aged three years during those intense three minutes.

5) “Babe, that was amazing. You look so beautiful right now.”

This line is only recommended as a last resort, should the other four examples of perfection fail you. This line can be followed by kissing her on the forehead or twirling her hair while she lies on your chest, neither of which guarantees you twenty minutes of conversation, thus requiring you to actually think. Better yet, avoid this one at all costs, it may actually be inappropriate.

What are your best lines for after-sex conversation?